Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem
By Hadhrat Moulana Abdul Hamid Is`haq Saheb (Daamat Barakaatuhum
Generally, husbands and wives take each other
for granted; to the extent of being off-hand in speech, insensitive of the
other’s feelings and ungrateful for whatever kindness the other does.
Sadly, today, we are so proud that we cannot
even say “JazakAllah khayran” to the wife (or to the husband) – when some kindness
is shown. Whilst we choose not to recognise the favours
of the spouse, we are very quick to identify the shortcomings and failings of
the spouse.
Often, our fights stem from pride and from
both sides, there is unwillingness to acknowledge when in the wrong or seek
forgiveness. Many couples behave like little children and refuse to talk to
each other for days – generally, over petty or worldly matters. The good
character, humility, compassion and mercy of the Muslim seem non-existent.
Long term, this attitude harms the marriage
since marriage involves two hearts – and the material and composition of the heart is not rock or wood or steel or
iron.
It is very important to deal with each other with
mercy and patience and with appreciation.
Look at the good qualities in each other. Focus on the good.
Be patient with each other.
Look at the good qualities in each other. Focus on the good.
Be patient with each other.
My advice to the brothers is that we are
living with our wives, so we should tolerate the little faults that they may
have. We, ourselves, are not angels who have come down from the heavens!
My advice to the sisters is that men have
their faults. No one denies this - but women are also not angels.
We don't say all women but commonly, a wife rarely praises or thanks her
husband. Of course, there are those who do. ...However, it is a reality and also drawn from the Ahadith, that women incline
towards cursing and being unthankful to their husbands. Due to
these weaknesses, Rasulullah (Sallallaahu
‘alayhi wasallam) enjoined upon women to give charity and to seek forgiveness.
My humble observation is a wife praises her
husband twice in her life. Again, there are exceptions. ...The first time she praises him is prior to marriage. She will boast
that she is getting married to so and so. If he is a Hafez, Qari, Aalim, Mufti,
etc. – then all these titles impress her and she thinks the world of the person
she will be getting married to. After marriage, these titles no longer
hold any sway over her. ...So whilst married to her, a person should not anticipate
any praises. Perhaps, the next time she will praise the husband is when he dies
and she outlives him.
Even if the people regard the person as a Waliyullah[1] - they can express their
respect for him, honour him, kiss his hands, etc. but the moment he enters the
home, there is a very different scenario.
At one time, my elderly aunt from Lenasia kept
calling home to complain about my uncle. They were very, very elderly and old age
comes with a different temperament and mood. Nevertheless she insisted that we
resolve the issue, so we went there. Her list of complaints was not ending.
…What could I tell my uncle who was eighty years old? We consoled her and said
we will make Dua. I also said that I will speak to my uncle. After two months,
my uncle passed away.
When we visited for Ta’ziyat (to console the
bereaved), the same aunt said: “Abdul Hamid! I was married to your uncle for
sixty years and he never once troubled me!”
For many the loss of the spouse is that occasion
that invites great regret. This is the time that a person looks back and
realises that as a spouse, we did not play our part as we should have. Where
we could have presented flowers, we threw pots of thorns. Where we could have
offered sweetness in our words, we flung out bitterness or ingratitude.
Regret does not bring back one’s spouse. So whilst
they are alive, we should not delay in expressing love and appreciation and we
should interact with them with mercy and compassion.
The husband leaves home to earn his living and even
if he is at home, he leaves home five times a day for the Masjid … We do not
know if we will see each other again, yet we don’t care to make amends or part
company on a gentle and loving note. Sometimes we go to sleep angry with
each other, not considering that there is no certainty that we will see each
other again.
If we look at the Sunnah, Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) would
enter and leave the home with the most pleasant expressions, always smiling and
greeting; even assisting with the chores at home. ...And his wives also did not lose out the opportunities of
reciprocating his love and kindness.
Take the noble and exemplary example of Hadhrat
Khadija (Radhiyallahu ‘anha): Despite being older, her love, gentleness,
support and appreciation were manifest in her unrelenting and sincere Khidmat[2] to Nabi (Sallallaahu
‘alayhi wasallam). Despite being a wealthy, independent woman, she graciously assisted
Nabi (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) and sacrificed for Dien, in all ways.
Rasulullah (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said
regarding this beloved wife (Radhiyallahu anha): “She believed in me when no one else
did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted
me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand.”
This is the kind of wife a person should seek...
someone who will support and assist us in Dien and preparation
for the Aakhirah. ...Many Ahadith point to the rights of the husbands –
and similarly, many other Ahadith highlight and emphasize the rights of the
wives. Alhamdulillah, there is a beautiful balance established by Islam and
there is harmony when we follow through practically on Dien and Sunnah.
Husbands have to play their part as well. Many are plain negligent when
it comes to their wives and their families. Rasulullah (Sallallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) said:
“The best amongst the Believers is he whose character is the best. And
the best among you is the one who is best with his wife.”
Allah Ta’ala has interceded on behalf of wives, by
instructing the husbands to live with them with kindness.
“ …Live with them on a footing of kindness
and equity…”
[Surah An-Nisaa 4 : 19]
Our Sheikh, Hadhrat Moulana Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar
Saheb (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) set an extremely noble example of being a husband,
always concerned about the well-being and comfort of Hadhrat’s wife. Whenever
Hadhrat Moulana (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) visited us in South Africa, it was his
habit to call his wife repeatedly during the Safr (journey), to enquire of her
health, etc. And he would speak to her with great compassion.
In the latter part of his life, before suffering a
stroke, Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) undertook a Safr for Umrah and Ziyarah. On
reaching Makkah Sharief, the Umrah was just completed when Hadhrat received a phone call to say that his wife was
admitted into hospital.
Hadhrat had only arrived in Makkah Sharief a few
hours earlier, but immediately booked the next available flight to Karachi.
Since there were some hours before departure, Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) took a flight to Madinatul Munawwarah, made Salaam at the Roudha Mubarak, flew back to Jeddah, boarded the flight to Karachi and within hours was besides his wife in hospital – to support, care and comfort her. Such happiness filled her heart and so much of appreciation when she saw Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) at her side. Allahu Akbar!
Since there were some hours before departure, Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) took a flight to Madinatul Munawwarah, made Salaam at the Roudha Mubarak, flew back to Jeddah, boarded the flight to Karachi and within hours was besides his wife in hospital – to support, care and comfort her. Such happiness filled her heart and so much of appreciation when she saw Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) at her side. Allahu Akbar!
If only we could take lesson: It is immensely
rewarding to put happiness in the heart of a Muslim. The rewards would be far
greater, when the husband is making his wife happy or vice versa. Of course - and it should go without saying - that this be done within the parameters of Dien, and should not entail anything Haraam and displeasing to Allah Ta'ala.
Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) composed some loving
words, in praise of his wife – when she was in her old age. The translation of which is:
‘O my dearest wife,
You are sweeter than sugar,
and beautiful like a doll…
Hadhrat (Rahmatullahi ‘alayh) was so particular
about husbands fulfilling the rights of their wives and taking good care of them, that when
anyone requested permission to spend time in the Khanqah, Hadhrat would first
enquire about the condition of the wife and family, and the arrangements made
for their comfort, ease, etc.
On one occasion, a brother, from another country,
visited the Khanqah in Karachi with the intention to spend time with Hadhrat
(Rahmatullahi ‘alayh). In conversation, he requested Hadhrat’s Dua for his
wife, who was due to have a baby. When Hadhrat was informed that the baby was
due to arrive any day, Hadhrat immediately instructed the person to return
home, and offer his wife support in her hour of need.
So husbands should also adopt this care and concern, mercy and
compassion. May Allah Ta’ala grant us Taufeeq.
On any shortcomings, there should be patience. Rasulullah (Sallallaahu
‘alayhi wasallam) has said: ‘No man should bear ill-will towards a believing
woman, for if he resents some trait in her, he might be pleased with some other
trait in her.’[3]
Also: One very common cause for not appreciating
one’s wife – to the extent of disliking her and staying away from her – is
the sin of casting lustful glances at other women.
When a person looks at other women, his own wife
has no appeal for him. He sometimes cannot even stand to look at his wife, let
alone spend time with her and express love to her. There is then no
appreciation because the person is constantly comparing her with other women. This
then pushes him further into sins. This is due to the very serious crime of
evil glancing.
Hadhrat Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (Rahmatullahi
‘alayh) had said that casting lustful gazes is the sickness and disease of fools.
There is no good and no gain in this habit; rather there is great, great harm. ...Due to lustful glancing, the person activates
restlessness and turmoil in his heart. …A person can admire a girl forever but
never have her. Whoever is meant for him, will be for him. Allah Ta’ala has
already decreed her. So when the matter is decided already, it is only a fool
who will waste his life looking at strange women.
…There has to be some effort made not to look at
strange women; not to look at the street women and billboards with pictures of
women. We will have to avoid all of that. In this manner, we keep our gazes
pure and we keep our thoughts pure.
If the gaze and thoughts are kept pure and clean,
then Wallaah, I guarantee that Allah Ta’ala will make the person’s wife look like a
beautiful Hoor of Jannah. …There will be no question of looking at other women. One’s
wife will be the coolness of one’s eyes.
Surprisingly, the same weakness of evil glancing is
found in many women. Women, who were once upon a time, so bashful that they
would not raise their gaze to a strange man, now write that they find no
attraction for their husbands. And they too acknowledge that they admire other
men, interact with other men, view them on television, YoutTube, at sports matches, etc. They
then compare these strange men with their husbands and become dissatisfied in
their marriages.
So from both sides, there is disloyalty and
infidelity – and this creates a huge chasm between the husband and wife. There
is no love and no mercy between the two, and there is no enjoyment in marriage.
This is the direct consequence of lustful glances and our free interaction with
the opposite gender. …May Allah Ta’ala grant us the understanding.
The Command of lowering the gaze is directed to both
men and women, married or unmarried. In this lies the protection of one’s
marriage, one’s chastity, one’s happiness and one’s peace of mind.
Both husband and wife need to work together towards establishing the
Sunnah of living with each other and both need to give up all sins. This
invites great success and happiness in marriage.
May Allah Ta’ala give us true appreciation for the
bounty and blessing of our spouses and the Taufeeq of good treatment to them.
[1] Waliyullah: Friend of
Allah Ta’ala
[2] Khidmat: service
[3] Abu Dawood
